Stumbling headfirst

I sit here this morning, a sense of anxiety about my future whispering in my ear. 'You'll fail...you'll fail!' she says. The raging dragon in me, my stubborn, tempestuous, inner self too long quashed down, is roaring 'YOU'VE GOT THIS, YOU WILL SUCCEED!!'

It has finally gotten through my skull, that I have OPTIONS for more than just retail work! I've been speaking to people in financial aid programs, considering both vocational training, and starting college courses again. I'm still not certain of what I'd like to, or should do but...I'm gonna do it! The practical person in me says I should go for something like a CNA; Something in a female rich field, that's easier and faster for women to get into. The stubborn woman in me, who has long enjoyed dancing to the beat of her own drum says, 'Do something in a traditionally male dominated field, kick rear, and be smug when you succeed!' One of the things I would like to do is become a proof-reader, and editor. That is a definite for me, I will take a course to help me succeed in that as a sub-career I suppose one might say. Something to do in spare time, as a supplement to standard income. As far as for a standard career path, I'm not sure yet. I enjoy doing many things, mostly working with my hands and creating, or building and repairing. Art -especially sculpture- is a true passion for me, my soul sings when I have a piece of clay in my hands. I should also probably take business and finances courses, just for my own personal education. Whatever I settle on, I want to better my position in life, for my kids and myself. I want to be able to carry my own weight, and stop depending on a man to take care of me as I've done in the past. Along with the college and vocational courses, I will continue muddling my way through courses on khanacademy and Alison. I learn best from hearing or seeing something multiple ways, so doing college, vocational, and the free online courses will help me learn these things best. I'm sick of stumbling my way through life, and want to fly strong, like the dragon my mother says I am.

With love, The Dragon.

A reason for everything.

They say, "Everything happens for a reason." and in some cases, I'm fairly quick to agree with that. I believe the relationship with my ex happened for a reason; to teach me a few life lessons.
This is going to be a post about my ex, the relationship we had, and the lessons I learned. It's not going to be a 'bitter ex' type post though.

I feel like my own life story was a way to teach me a hard lesson about life, and relationships. He and I are separated now, and our relationship was a HARD learned lesson for both of us. We started out well enough, but the relationship quickly deteriorated into something terrible. We weren't good for each other, I think neither of us truly knew what a real relationship should be. We spent just under ten years with almost constant fighting, but staying together because we thought that was the right thing to do for our children. We were both absolutely miserable though. I think deep down we both knew it was a crappy choice to stay together, but neither of us had wanted to take those steps to end things. In part, I think it was because maybe we both were afraid of being alone, and because we both had the idea that a child needed their parents to be together. Thankfully we both got our heads on right, and decided to finally end things. We have both grown so much from that experience though, and I'm thankful for our sakes, and the kids sakes. He's still in the kids lives, and with a wonderful woman who has helped him grow as a person, and loves our kids like they were her own. I couldn't be happier for him! People have asked "Cassie, why do you still talk to him?!" the short answer is, "because I have to, for the kids."

The longer answer, is because I want to. Being in that relationship with him, and now being in my current relationship has taught me a HELL of a lot about growing up, and doing things the REAL 'right way'.
"What?! You want to?...Why?!" a person might ask...Well, here's my reasoning. What I wanted to do, was to show our children that even though two people might have a HORRIBLE romantic relationship, they can still love their children and get along with each other. I didn't want them to see the bitterness between he and I anymore. Even though we were a wretched couple, he's still the one who helped me create three beautiful children. That tie will always be there, and can't be erased, nor would I even if that was possible. I hold no anger toward him, instead I look back on our time together as though it was a lesson in life and relationships. It taught me that stubbornness in certain situations can be detrimental to ones health and happiness. I do still care about him as a person, and I want him to be happy in his new relationship, and successful in his future endeavors.

Brrrrr. The joys of not having 4wd

I sit here, at my computer shivering, and thankful yet again. I got my car stuck in my driveway, coming back from getting my kids to the bus this morning, and it was stuck good. Spinning tires, snow up over the bottom edge of the doors and all. Thankfully, my ex's parents are near and his dad was able to help me get the car out of the driveway.... which I then promptly managed to get stuck along the other side of the road. Thanks, Stella! lol Well, he hooked it right back up, pulled me out again and this time I was able to get the poor old beast far enough in the driveway that it's off the road. I really miss having a 4wd vehicle. Ah well, tomorrow is another day!

The kindness of neighbors.

I'm here, in NY (whether or not my area is considered 'Upstate' is wildly debated amongst my fellow New Yorkers) marveling at the act of kindness I experienced this morning, from an anonymous neighbor.

It's day two of Stella puffing and blowing, dusting (heaping) my corner of the US with her cold, white beauty. Day two of a snow day for my children's school district. This morning, I was warmly ensconced on my bed under a mound of blankets wondering how the hell I was going to get out of my driveway once it stopped snowing! My driveway is loooong and covered on more than a foot of snow. My poor old car wasn't going to be able to handle that and I REALLY didn't want to shovel the whole thing by hand. "Ah well, time to get up." I said to myself. As I'm beginning my day, performing the mornings ablutions, my children who had started their day a few minutes before me, came screaming into the bathroom.

"MOM!!!"
"What?

MOOOOOM (Everyone with kids knows this shout haha)
"What do you need?"

"Someone just plowed the driveway with a white truck, and they pushed the snow up by the car!!"

I hastily finished drying my hands, and trotted myself out to the living room, in hopes of seeing who might have sat in that white pick up so I could at least wave in thanks. No such luck; Whoever it was, finished and drove off before I could acknowledge their act of neighborly kindness. I've been trying to figure out who it was, all morning so maybe I could bake them cinnamon rolls, or a couple loaves of bread in thanks. I called my ex husbands mother, since she's lived in the area a long time, thinking she might know a local who has a white pick up with a plow attached. She had a couple thoughts about who it may be, but didn't know for certain. I am not very familiar with my neighbors, and even less familiar with what they drive, so I suppose this act of neighborly kindness will have to go personally unacknowledged. Just know, kind neighbor, that this act which only took you a few short minutes, warmed my heart and let me know that there is plenty of compassion left in this world. Love, or at least thoughtfulness for a stranger you may never have even spoken to.

From the bottom of my warmed heart, to the tips of my cold fingers and toes, THANK YOU.