I sit here this morning, a sense of anxiety about my future whispering in my ear. 'You'll fail...you'll fail!' she says. The raging dragon in me, my stubborn, tempestuous, inner self too long quashed down, is roaring 'YOU'VE GOT THIS, YOU WILL SUCCEED!!'
It has finally gotten through my skull, that I have OPTIONS for more than just retail work! I've been speaking to people in financial aid programs, considering both vocational training, and starting college courses again. I'm still not certain of what I'd like to, or should do but...I'm gonna do it! The practical person in me says I should go for something like a CNA; Something in a female rich field, that's easier and faster for women to get into. The stubborn woman in me, who has long enjoyed dancing to the beat of her own drum says, 'Do something in a traditionally male dominated field, kick rear, and be smug when you succeed!'
One of the things I would like to do is become a proof-reader, and editor. That is a definite for me, I will take a course to help me succeed in that as a sub-career I suppose one might say. Something to do in spare time, as a supplement to standard income. As far as for a standard career path, I'm not sure yet. I enjoy doing many things, mostly working with my hands and creating, or building and repairing. Art -especially sculpture- is a true passion for me, my soul sings when I have a piece of clay in my hands. I should also probably take business and finances courses, just for my own personal education. Whatever I settle on, I want to better my position in life, for my kids and myself. I want to be able to carry my own weight, and stop depending on a man to take care of me as I've done in the past. Along with the college and vocational courses, I will continue muddling my way through courses on khanacademy and Alison. I learn best from hearing or seeing something multiple ways, so doing college, vocational, and the free online courses will help me learn these things best. I'm sick of stumbling my way through life, and want to fly strong, like the dragon my mother says I am.
With love, The Dragon.
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Monday, March 20, 2017
A reason for everything.
They say, "Everything happens for a reason." and in some cases, I'm fairly quick to agree with that. I believe the relationship with my ex happened for a reason; to teach me a few life lessons.
This is going to be a post about my ex, the relationship we had, and the lessons I learned. It's not going to be a 'bitter ex' type post though.
I feel like my own life story was a way to teach me a hard lesson about life, and relationships. He and I are separated now, and our relationship was a HARD learned lesson for both of us. We started out well enough, but the relationship quickly deteriorated into something terrible. We weren't good for each other, I think neither of us truly knew what a real relationship should be. We spent just under ten years with almost constant fighting, but staying together because we thought that was the right thing to do for our children. We were both absolutely miserable though. I think deep down we both knew it was a crappy choice to stay together, but neither of us had wanted to take those steps to end things. In part, I think it was because maybe we both were afraid of being alone, and because we both had the idea that a child needed their parents to be together. Thankfully we both got our heads on right, and decided to finally end things. We have both grown so much from that experience though, and I'm thankful for our sakes, and the kids sakes. He's still in the kids lives, and with a wonderful woman who has helped him grow as a person, and loves our kids like they were her own. I couldn't be happier for him! People have asked "Cassie, why do you still talk to him?!" the short answer is, "because I have to, for the kids."
The longer answer, is because I want to. Being in that relationship with him, and now being in my current relationship has taught me a HELL of a lot about growing up, and doing things the REAL 'right way'.
"What?! You want to?...Why?!" a person might ask...Well, here's my reasoning. What I wanted to do, was to show our children that even though two people might have a HORRIBLE romantic relationship, they can still love their children and get along with each other. I didn't want them to see the bitterness between he and I anymore. Even though we were a wretched couple, he's still the one who helped me create three beautiful children. That tie will always be there, and can't be erased, nor would I even if that was possible. I hold no anger toward him, instead I look back on our time together as though it was a lesson in life and relationships. It taught me that stubbornness in certain situations can be detrimental to ones health and happiness. I do still care about him as a person, and I want him to be happy in his new relationship, and successful in his future endeavors.
This is going to be a post about my ex, the relationship we had, and the lessons I learned. It's not going to be a 'bitter ex' type post though.
I feel like my own life story was a way to teach me a hard lesson about life, and relationships. He and I are separated now, and our relationship was a HARD learned lesson for both of us. We started out well enough, but the relationship quickly deteriorated into something terrible. We weren't good for each other, I think neither of us truly knew what a real relationship should be. We spent just under ten years with almost constant fighting, but staying together because we thought that was the right thing to do for our children. We were both absolutely miserable though. I think deep down we both knew it was a crappy choice to stay together, but neither of us had wanted to take those steps to end things. In part, I think it was because maybe we both were afraid of being alone, and because we both had the idea that a child needed their parents to be together. Thankfully we both got our heads on right, and decided to finally end things. We have both grown so much from that experience though, and I'm thankful for our sakes, and the kids sakes. He's still in the kids lives, and with a wonderful woman who has helped him grow as a person, and loves our kids like they were her own. I couldn't be happier for him! People have asked "Cassie, why do you still talk to him?!" the short answer is, "because I have to, for the kids."
The longer answer, is because I want to. Being in that relationship with him, and now being in my current relationship has taught me a HELL of a lot about growing up, and doing things the REAL 'right way'.
"What?! You want to?...Why?!" a person might ask...Well, here's my reasoning. What I wanted to do, was to show our children that even though two people might have a HORRIBLE romantic relationship, they can still love their children and get along with each other. I didn't want them to see the bitterness between he and I anymore. Even though we were a wretched couple, he's still the one who helped me create three beautiful children. That tie will always be there, and can't be erased, nor would I even if that was possible. I hold no anger toward him, instead I look back on our time together as though it was a lesson in life and relationships. It taught me that stubbornness in certain situations can be detrimental to ones health and happiness. I do still care about him as a person, and I want him to be happy in his new relationship, and successful in his future endeavors.
Thursday, March 16, 2017
Brrrrr. The joys of not having 4wd
I sit here, at my computer shivering, and thankful yet again. I got my car stuck in my driveway, coming back from getting my kids to the bus this morning, and it was stuck good. Spinning tires, snow up over the bottom edge of the doors and all. Thankfully, my ex's parents are near and his dad was able to help me get the car out of the driveway.... which I then promptly managed to get stuck along the other side of the road.
Thanks, Stella! lol
Well, he hooked it right back up, pulled me out again and this time I was able to get the poor old beast far enough in the driveway that it's off the road.
I really miss having a 4wd vehicle.
Ah well, tomorrow is another day!
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
The kindness of neighbors.
I'm here, in NY (whether or not my area is considered 'Upstate' is wildly debated amongst my fellow New Yorkers) marveling at the act of kindness I experienced this morning, from an anonymous neighbor.
It's day two of Stella puffing and blowing, dusting (heaping) my corner of the US with her cold, white beauty. Day two of a snow day for my children's school district. This morning, I was warmly ensconced on my bed under a mound of blankets wondering how the hell I was going to get out of my driveway once it stopped snowing! My driveway is loooong and covered on more than a foot of snow. My poor old car wasn't going to be able to handle that and I REALLY didn't want to shovel the whole thing by hand. "Ah well, time to get up." I said to myself. As I'm beginning my day, performing the mornings ablutions, my children who had started their day a few minutes before me, came screaming into the bathroom.
"MOM!!!"
"What?
MOOOOOM (Everyone with kids knows this shout haha)
"What do you need?"
"Someone just plowed the driveway with a white truck, and they pushed the snow up by the car!!"
I hastily finished drying my hands, and trotted myself out to the living room, in hopes of seeing who might have sat in that white pick up so I could at least wave in thanks. No such luck; Whoever it was, finished and drove off before I could acknowledge their act of neighborly kindness. I've been trying to figure out who it was, all morning so maybe I could bake them cinnamon rolls, or a couple loaves of bread in thanks. I called my ex husbands mother, since she's lived in the area a long time, thinking she might know a local who has a white pick up with a plow attached. She had a couple thoughts about who it may be, but didn't know for certain. I am not very familiar with my neighbors, and even less familiar with what they drive, so I suppose this act of neighborly kindness will have to go personally unacknowledged. Just know, kind neighbor, that this act which only took you a few short minutes, warmed my heart and let me know that there is plenty of compassion left in this world. Love, or at least thoughtfulness for a stranger you may never have even spoken to.
From the bottom of my warmed heart, to the tips of my cold fingers and toes, THANK YOU.
It's day two of Stella puffing and blowing, dusting (heaping) my corner of the US with her cold, white beauty. Day two of a snow day for my children's school district. This morning, I was warmly ensconced on my bed under a mound of blankets wondering how the hell I was going to get out of my driveway once it stopped snowing! My driveway is loooong and covered on more than a foot of snow. My poor old car wasn't going to be able to handle that and I REALLY didn't want to shovel the whole thing by hand. "Ah well, time to get up." I said to myself. As I'm beginning my day, performing the mornings ablutions, my children who had started their day a few minutes before me, came screaming into the bathroom.
"MOM!!!"
"What?
MOOOOOM (Everyone with kids knows this shout haha)
"What do you need?"
"Someone just plowed the driveway with a white truck, and they pushed the snow up by the car!!"
I hastily finished drying my hands, and trotted myself out to the living room, in hopes of seeing who might have sat in that white pick up so I could at least wave in thanks. No such luck; Whoever it was, finished and drove off before I could acknowledge their act of neighborly kindness. I've been trying to figure out who it was, all morning so maybe I could bake them cinnamon rolls, or a couple loaves of bread in thanks. I called my ex husbands mother, since she's lived in the area a long time, thinking she might know a local who has a white pick up with a plow attached. She had a couple thoughts about who it may be, but didn't know for certain. I am not very familiar with my neighbors, and even less familiar with what they drive, so I suppose this act of neighborly kindness will have to go personally unacknowledged. Just know, kind neighbor, that this act which only took you a few short minutes, warmed my heart and let me know that there is plenty of compassion left in this world. Love, or at least thoughtfulness for a stranger you may never have even spoken to.
From the bottom of my warmed heart, to the tips of my cold fingers and toes, THANK YOU.
Sunday, January 29, 2017
**Strong Language Warning**
what my depression feels like today.
Today, I feel as though I’m standing in the middle of a vast clearing, or desert. I’m not sure which… It's sunny, and beautiful, and a nice moderate temperature.
I’m looking around at the sky, loving the view…and I start to feel a little lonely…I look around for people, turning in circles…There! My friends, and family, and some strangers too…very tiny in the distance, like ants…
I start trotting towards them, but its taking so long. oh well, this is a huge distance to cover…it's ok. I like the exertion… I see a spot in the near distance…it's a puddle..wanting to feel the extra burst of pleasure that comes from using my muscles , I decide ‘I’ll jump it… its small enough’
and I grin… I come to the puddle, and jump…WHAM!!…I slam into a wall, only... it's invisible, there's nothing to see… I’m clinging to it (like cartoon characters do) and I start scrambling to find toe hold, hand hold…something…
I slip down, and fall on my back WHUMPH!!
It’s cold, wet...and soft?
SHIT
I fell into quick sand.
I’m still calm at this point, because I can hear peoples voices in the distance…I think ‘it's quicksand, I won’t struggle or I'll sink faster’
So I start shouting to the people ‘HELP!!! HELP! IM STUCK IN QUICK SAND!’
They look around, and see me…they point
Then they turn to each other, and start talking again.
I sigh in frustration and look around, thinking ‘well it was small, maybe I can pull myself out’
I reach towards the edge, and it stretches away from my hand!
What?! I pull my hand back towards me, and the edge shrinks back, just a couple feet out in each direction..I try again, and still…it leaps away from my reach.
I’m still sinking.
they come closer… only to step on my shoulders, and leap over the invisible barrier.
I’m sinking further and further as more and more people step on my shoulders and head, scrambling to leap over this invisible wall, using me as though I was nothing more than a stump, or large rock
I can see these people, running to where I wanted to go…and then nothing… just cold, wet, blackness. minutes pass.
I hear something, it's the crowd again. They're coming closer…closer…their voices are quite loud at this point… they're laughing, and chattering about such inane things…I can’t yell…my mouth has filled with the quicksand…they don’t care that I've sunk, and I’m dying…all they care about is their new hair color, their new hubcaps, and the funny cat meme they saw online yesterday…
This is all a metaphor of course. There is no desert. It's just me, in my head. There's no running towards the crowd, no puddle, and no wall. Those are just the obstacles I feel like I meet…every day. The people represent each criticism and mistake, pushing me farther and farther into the depression no matter how much I beg, and ask for help…all I want…PLEASE…just hold my hand and keep me from sinking.
1/29/17
What a difference a few months can make. I no longer contend with the sinking, stepped on feeling to this extent. I'm happy far more often than not these days. You're not alone, no matter how deeply you may feel it. There's always someone out there who can relate in some small way, to what you're going through.
For me, "The Change" happened with a drastic life experience. The man I married, and created three beautiful children with…left me. In many cases, the depression is not helped with even drastic life changes and that is OK. Choosing medication and/or therapy is TOTALLY FINE.Please, if you are feeling depressed, anxious or whatever.
Seek help.
Call or text a friend, check yourself into a hospital.
Whatever you need to do to do keep yourself safe.
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
My first attempt at HTML and CSS
A Small Part of my story
Hey there you lovely people! This blog will be my first attempt at HTML and CSS!
I've been jobless, and pretty much skill-less for a while now, and I've decided to change that.
I started taking some courses on alison.com and also khanacademy.org, and chose courses in HTML and CSS.
I figured these were good, marketable skills to have.
I'm adding some HTML in here for page breaks and the like for practice. WOOHOO!!
I became pregnant in late 2008, and was married in late 2009. I'll spare you all the details,
but we were married for 8 long years, and separated in may 2016. Due to his desire to have a stay at home wife,
and homeschooled children…I stayed home. I attempted the wifey thing, and attempted to educate three young children.
It didn't work very well, the kids are now all enrolled in school, and I'm looking for income.
So here I am, learning coding at 30 years old, single and looking to…not mingle heh.
My biggest issue right now is finding work during the hours I can work. Being a single mother,
with an ex who is living three hours away and no other steady available child care I kinda need to be able to work
during the days. I have no clue what I would put on a resume, but if any one has any tips and hints that would be fantastic!
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