written 5/9/16.

**Strong Language Warning**

what my depression feels like today.

Today, I feel as though I’m standing in the middle of a vast clearing, or desert. I’m not sure which… It's sunny, and beautiful, and a nice moderate temperature. I’m looking around at the sky, loving the view…and I start to feel a little lonely…I look around for people, turning in circles…There! My friends, and family, and some strangers too…very tiny in the distance, like ants…

I start trotting towards them, but its taking so long. oh well, this is a huge distance to cover…it's ok. I like the exertion… I see a spot in the near distance…it's a puddle..wanting to feel the extra burst of pleasure that comes from using my muscles , I decide ‘I’ll jump it… its small enough’ and I grin… I come to the puddle, and jump…WHAM!!…I slam into a wall, only... it's invisible, there's nothing to see… I’m clinging to it (like cartoon characters do) and I start scrambling to find toe hold, hand hold…something…
I slip down, and fall on my back WHUMPH!!

It’s cold, wet...and soft?
SHIT
I fell into quick sand.

I’m still calm at this point, because I can hear peoples voices in the distance…I think ‘it's quicksand, I won’t struggle or I'll sink faster’
So I start shouting to the people ‘HELP!!! HELP! IM STUCK IN QUICK SAND!’

They look around, and see me…they point

Then they turn to each other, and start talking again.

I sigh in frustration and look around, thinking ‘well it was small, maybe I can pull myself out’

I reach towards the edge, and it stretches away from my hand! What?! I pull my hand back towards me, and the edge shrinks back, just a couple feet out in each direction..I try again, and still…it leaps away from my reach.
I’m still sinking.

I start yelling more…and hear footsteps and voices behind me…I'm thinking 'Thank god! I’m up to my armpits at this point! I'll get some help!' … I hear the people saying ‘look! There's someone there!’

they come closer… only to step on my shoulders, and leap over the invisible barrier. I’m sinking further and further as more and more people step on my shoulders and head, scrambling to leap over this invisible wall, using me as though I was nothing more than a stump, or large rock
I can see these people, running to where I wanted to go…and then nothing… just cold, wet, blackness. minutes pass.

I hear something, it's the crowd again. They're coming closer…closer…their voices are quite loud at this point… they're laughing, and chattering about such inane things…I can’t yell…my mouth has filled with the quicksand…they don’t care that I've sunk, and I’m dying…all they care about is their new hair color, their new hubcaps, and the funny cat meme they saw online yesterday…

This is all a metaphor of course. There is no desert. It's just me, in my head. There's no running towards the crowd, no puddle, and no wall. Those are just the obstacles I feel like I meet…every day. The people represent each criticism and mistake, pushing me farther and farther into the depression no matter how much I beg, and ask for help…all I want…PLEASE…just hold my hand and keep me from sinking.

1/29/17

What a difference a few months can make. I no longer contend with the sinking, stepped on feeling to this extent. I'm happy far more often than not these days. You're not alone, no matter how deeply you may feel it. There's always someone out there who can relate in some small way, to what you're going through.

For me, "The Change" happened with a drastic life experience. The man I married, and created three beautiful children with…left me. In many cases, the depression is not helped with even drastic life changes and that is OK. Choosing medication and/or therapy is TOTALLY FINE.

Please, if you are feeling depressed, anxious or whatever.
Seek help. Call or text a friend, check yourself into a hospital. Whatever you need to do to do keep yourself safe.

My first attempt at HTML and CSS

A Small Part of my story

Hey there you lovely people! This blog will be my first attempt at HTML and CSS!
I've been jobless, and pretty much skill-less for a while now, and I've decided to change that.
I started taking some courses on alison.com and also khanacademy.org, and chose courses in HTML and CSS. I figured these were good, marketable skills to have.
I'm adding some HTML in here for page breaks and the like for practice. WOOHOO!!

I became pregnant in late 2008, and was married in late 2009. I'll spare you all the details, but we were married for 8 long years, and separated in may 2016. Due to his desire to have a stay at home wife, and homeschooled children…I stayed home. I attempted the wifey thing, and attempted to educate three young children.
It didn't work very well, the kids are now all enrolled in school, and I'm looking for income. So here I am, learning coding at 30 years old, single and looking to…not mingle heh.

My biggest issue right now is finding work during the hours I can work. Being a single mother,
with an ex who is living three hours away and no other steady available child care I kinda need to be able to work
during the days. I have no clue what I would put on a resume, but if any one has any tips and hints that would be fantastic!